How To Succeed in International Travel Without Really Trying

You are going on a trip!

Your first-ever trip out of the country!

You’re excited. You’re a little nervous. You keep picking up your shiny new passport and turning it over in your hands and then putting it down again.

You’re afraid to sign it because you’re terrified that you’re going screw up the signature page somehow. Like, you don’t want to use the wrong kind of pen and have it bleed through.

Or WORSE, have the ink not dry all the way before moving it or dropping it by accident and invariably smudging it to all heck and then you’ll have to walk around with an embarrassing smudgy passport for the next decade.

Or worse AGAIN, get stopped at customs on your way back from the country that you’re going to be visiting and have them refuse to let you back on the plane because of your smudgy signature?

God.

Can that HAPPEN??

Commence furious Googling for a half hour.

Look leerily at the thing. Sitting there innocently on your dresser.

Squint at it. Pick up a pen. Put it down. You’ll do it later.

—

Lay out several outfits. Remind self (patiently) that you’re only going to be there for a few days, and will certainly not need five different pairs of pants.

Fold up most of the pants and put them back in your dresser.

Take them out again. Can’t hurt.

Put them back in again. Firmly.

Hop on Pinterest and look up phrases like “elegant travel outfit,” “perfect capsule travel wardrobe,”and “best travel ensemble.”

Look back and forth between your phone screen and the faded, bedraggled offerings in your closet. Howl in frustration.

Kick yourself for ever scoffing at overly-dramatic teenage girls squealing “but mom, I have nothing to WEAR.”

Vow to be more stylish and pulled-together.

Someday. Eventually.

Settle: two identical pairs of black pants, four tank tops, three sweaters.

Realize that these are your absolute favorite clothes, so you don’t want to pack them, because then you won’t be able to wear them during the time between [right now] and [departure date].

Use this fact to justify avoidance of packing until the last possible second.

Feel very efficient for getting the most possible use out of your most beloved clothes. Pat yourself on the back.

You are a human who knows what they like. Good job, you.

The night before departure, you will panic when you realize that you’ve gone ahead and worn them all, and neglected to do your laundry. Run around and gather them up and throw them in the washer, grumbling.

—

Remember a few days before the trip that, hello, you need an adapter for your electronics because the outlets are a different shape over there.

(You non-traveling plebeian bumpkin, you.)

Briefly consider doing a complete technology fast for the duration of the trip.

You’ll become so well-adjusted. Will really be able to “be present” and “in the now” if you leave your electronics at home. Maybe you’ll solve world hunger!

…most importantly, you won’t have to exert any effort whatsoever to figure out what kind of adapter you’ll need!

Admit to self that you’d be miserable and most likely would end up lost.

Cave in. Spend about thirty seconds Googling. (Was that so hard?)

Meekly confirm with a few more well-traveled friends what exact type of adapter to purchase. Hit “add to cart” on Amazon. Forget to hit “check out.”

Panic the next day upon realizing that you’ve forgotten entirely; become very worried that you won’t receive item in time. Picture self wandering around streets of foreign city, unloved, unwanted, and without a smartphone.

Realize your mental calendar is off by two days. Click “check out.” All is well.

—

Find out that Mercury is going to be in retrograde during dates of travel.

Find out what Mercury being in retrograde means.

Scoff at the idea that Mercury being in retrograde could have any effect on you whatsoever. You are a strong-minded person who doesn’t ascribe to silly horoscope stuff.

Astrology is for silly teenage girls who complain about having nothing to wear.

Shit. That is you now. Apparently. See above.

Also, if you’re honest, you will admit to checking your horoscope periodically.

Consider buying amulet to ward off effects of Mercury being in retrograde.

Consider calling whole thing off.

Decide that your general everyday life functions much as if you’re under the effects of Mercury being in retrograde, apparently, so perhaps it will have the opposite effect on you personally. Have very high hopes for this.

Reason that even if it does get worse, it’ll make for an entertaining blog post.